Beauty in the Breakdown

So, I never get deep on here...but here we go!

I've also never really been one to "lose it" as some might say. I have a pretty high capacity for doing things and I usually adjust well to change.

I remember my first major breakdown was about 2 years ago when Luke and I went to one of our favorite restaurants, Taste of Thai, and decided to get2o entrees and share them. Luke ordered curry and I order Pad Thai, but I really was more interested in the curry. When the waitress brought out our food Luke started going to town on his curry, eating all the rice and just enjoying himself. And then I cried. Yes, I cried over there not being enough food. I am sure people were looking at us and thinking "that guy better run and run now!" So the tears came because of too little rice, but underneath it all was me feeling like I could not control anything in my job, life, etc. And one of the few things I thought I could control, what I wanted to eat, was even being taken from me.

Luke and I laugh about that dinner all the time now.

And this summer has been what I am going to call "The trail of tears."

I NEVER cry. NEVER. But this summer I managed to cry over watching one stupid episode of Extreme Makeover Home Edition (I hate that show by the way), the movie Soul Surfer, and listening to my family sing me Happy Birthday over the phone. I also cried for the first time during a wedding (besides my own). And embarrassingly, over Luke not getting the correct items at the grocery store.

All that to say, this has been quite the interesting summer. Lots of life change all at once...

1. I left IV staff and started my assitantship for graduate school at JMU
2. Most of my closest friends in Harrisonburg moved.
3. Luke and I moved into a new townhouse.
4. Luke got a new job and starts tomorrow!
5. I started training students and have been working up to 12 hours a day for the past 3 weeks.
6. I also started experiencing terrible headaches!
7. Going from DINKS (double income no kids) to one income and a small GA stipend.

With all of these life changes, and taking new medicine to help "cure" my headaches my life has been quite the emotional roller coaster. The medicine I was taking was making everything listed above into a WAY bigger deal than it actually was and led me into more breakdowns than ever before (though the headaches were gone). Poor Luke.

I guess we need a definition of breakdown before I continue. I will define it as the act of loosing control of emotions and life which leads to crying, anger, bitterness, and at the end, relief .

So, I decided to stop taking the meds, thanks to my supervisor at work suggesting going to a chiropractor to help with my headaches. I was a little skeptical at first, but decided to give it a try and boy am I glad I did. I basically found out my neck is messed up--thanks to the 15 plus years of cheerleading. Your neck, from the side, is supposed to be curved. Mine is almost completely straight, and from the back in veers to the right. What we found out is my arteries that provide blood to my head are being party blocked (like a hose with a knot in it) because of my misshaped neck which is causing the headaches! Now I am going to the chiropractor 3 times a week to get adjusted and hopefully getting my neck back in place. It is a lot of time, money, energy, etc but anything is better than being a crazy person.

So, now the breakdowns are decreasing, and Luke and I are one happy family again. We learned a lot about ourselves during this time and I think the major thing breakdowns have taught me is...I need God. There is no way that we are meant to be independent from him. Every time I was hitting my wall it was because I was trying to control something...but God has to be the one in control! He is way bigger than me and the "first world worries" (one of my students uses that phrase all the time) I deal with on a daily basis.

On a lighter note, Luke and I formed this list of things husbands, friends, significant others, etc. need to know when their loved one is going through a season of breakdowns.

1. ALWAYS have white wine in the fridge and ready to go.
2. Sometimes you just have to let her be mad and talk to her mom.
3. Make sure the house is clean when she comes home, she doesn't need to freak out about that too.
4. Understand that, this to shall pass...
5. If she says "no" to something you want to do, it is nothing against you it just means she really does want to sit on her butt and watch HGTV or Dance Moms.
6. Sometimes not saying anything is the best thing one can do.

So I think the song is true, there really is beauty in the breakdown. It reminds of our need for God and our helplessness without him. And how much "getting it out" helps us heal and move on.